the weather

is dreadful right now.

argh

I don't know what to print for my final! I am freaking out!!! ARGH! D: I am going to go through all my negatives tomorrow and get some prints. :D 35mm. I think I am going to go do it. Easier and less compllicated. I will get the large prints when I get home back in the states. I miss having things so close to me and not having to take a bus then train to places. I can't wait to be home. :D

Luton

heading to luton tomorrow during the day for scanning and printing. i hope it works out then welwyn garden city after that with tina if tina ever responds back to me. :/

Doing better...

Turned in my essay, did my test print (it totally failed but i want to see if it would work), got an email back from Uta which is awesome!!! So, things are going. Gotta do my wash and go to Luton to get my negative scanned and printed. I wonder how it is going to look. Interesting.

Just sitting in the studio and helping Kaz with her stuff. lmao. Level 1 assessment starts tomorrow. they are all freaking out. All my stuff is ready to go except the presentation. i gotta do a test run on that.

Well, I'm off to get some stuff done.

Love,
Marianna

so blah

Lately, I have not been feeling motivated or anything. I feel like all my photographs are shit again. It is so annoying. i take the photographs and I see the blur and pixel and pisses me off so badly. Then my 120mm film prints are SHIT and SCANS are shit too! I can't find anything photography related here to make things nice. I am getting so fed up with it. I know, I don't know. I just wish I could get the results i want but I can't right now. I just want to scream and never leave my bed ever again. ARGH.

I've been keeping myself locked in my room for unknown amounts of time. Trying to escape into tv shows. I don't want to deal with school over here. I just want to go back home and finish my freaking degrees then get my masters then TEACH! Then accomplished. :D I want to do night video with stop motion and video typing. I want to improve my writing skills and vocabulary. I want to do some much but I can expand here anymore. I learned everything I needed too. I know I need to trust in myself and explore things. I need to just go out in the dark and find that bloody light. I need to get external flash to help illuminate my photographs. I know what I need to do but I can't do it until I get home. ARGH!

Oh god, packing my room. it is going to be a nightmare. I have so much crap. I think three suitcases! ahh. I have to get them from the galleria soon and start packing up some souvenirs and some clothes that I don't wear a lot plus books and movies. I'm so utterly lost within it. I have a bag full of books to donate or give to someone. I have movies too. ah.

I just hate the feeling of being so lost...

The one thing that is TRULY pissing me off more than my photographs are my friends and family don't talk as much! TALK GOSH DARN YOU ALL!!! Everyone asks me questions about how everyone else is doing!!! Just talk to each. Yeah, we all grown up and went different ways but we are still the same dorks from high school and we are still the same family as before. It is so annoying.

I am just venting out all my frustration and don't take it personally if you are. This is the only thing I can do to vent and let everything out. I just want to scream. I wish I drank at times cause i think it would be simpler in my frustration department. lol. Just drink it all away but i don't. I'm the outcast here because I don't drink or smoke or go to parties. Yeah, not my thing. I'm artisty, movie loving, and hanging out with friends. I'm not a drunk, smoker, one night stand person. It is annoying.

All this is giving me a headache because I know people are going to read this and feel mad or get pissed off at me. Then all the shit will be falling down. ANNOYING! My new word is ANNOYING! You know what, I can't do anything about anything back home because i'm over 5300 miles away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh another thing, I missed the ceremony for my honors for my dean scholar award! Yes, I am on the dean scholar list because I achieved over a 3.65 for more than three semesters in a ROW! YES! :D I missed it.. OH yeah, i'm missing Mr. Shannon's memorial. Even thoug I didn't know him, he helped a lot of my friends and was a mentor to most of them. He was a cool guy. Died to young. D:

I am constantly disappointed with people. I am too nice. I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel like this isn't going to end. I need the 42 days until I go home to go faster. I need not to feel. Gosh, i sound like a cheery person. I need facebook to work. I wish my photographs were better. I wish things would change. I wish I could do so many more things. I wish I had more friends here that I could hang out with. I wish I had a car so I could go driving. I really miss the beach. I miss the ocean. I miss the sun again. I miss my friends from last semester.

I is too much. I think of myself too much. I haven't been thinking about others. I need to think about other more. I shouldn't keep myself locked away but my motivation is gone.

This is my life right now. It should be getting better. 15 days until my dad and pat comes and I am completely done with school. 41 days until I am home. 34 more days until my concert. Counting down makes it easier.

Time to hit the store for a coke and maybe a sandwich. i need to get out of my room.

Love,
Marianna

okay, weird.

so i have been listening to mae while i update my blog, I wonder why. :D

Isolation

Yes, that is what I am doing. Staying away from people and staying in my room. Been sick. Yesterday was my first day out and i barely survived. Stayed in my room until 4pm and went out to do some shopping for school and barely made it. I am really annoyed about being sick. I got some chesty cough syrup to help me out. I don't like coughing. It is like the coughs i used to get when i was younger where it hurt my whole back and felt like it was ripping my throat open. yeah, not fun. But hopefully this works, if not, well, I guess I am going to the doctors. Not really thrilled about that notion. Horrible.

So, everyone else is enjoying the beautiful weather and hanging out in the sun on the grass but I'm stuck here in my room. Kinda of depressing. Catching up on shows and movies though. lol. Getting ideas for photographs, getting work done. Kinda of. lol.

I hope and pray that the stupid ashes leave and never come back. I don't want my flight home delayed or canceled because I would seriously will cry...It canceled my trip to Ireland this morning. I gotta go and reschedule it for another date. I need to go to Ireland. My last mission here. :D

Sorry for the lack of updates, sick and feeling sorry for myself has taken over my life the past few days. lol. I know, i am lame but sometimes you feel that way.

Time to get some more work done. Hope you have been checking my flickr and my facebook fan page! :D Enjoy it.

Love
Marianna

listening to mae

and i'm falling asleep. they are too relaxing. lol. Less than two hours before mom lands. :D I don't have to be at school until april 26th to turn in my paper. then the first week of may i posting up my final and doing my presentation then i am done. :D I am super excited. I am need a break from school and thinking over here. then i get to be home with people. it will be nice not to worry about topping up my phone and all that stuff. not worrying about walking a miles to the store. lol I can just call up mom and have her get it for me or i can DRIVE there. wooo. driving. i am a bit scared of that. lol. I wonder how i will do on freeways. lol.

okay...writing isn't helping me stay awake. so i am going to read, i guess. lol.

good night.


love,
marianna

omg, so long time no update.

wow, i haven't updated more than a week. You probably thought I was dead. I wasn't. lol. Just crazy busy with mom and virg. A whirlwind week. Seriously. So I will break it down again.

Tuesday:
Worked with Ian and Emma on updating their database, helping out with their facebook account, and other stuff. Got home around 7 then went to the LRC to drop off a book then to Asda. I didn't get back to my room until late.

Wednesday:
I picked up mom and virg at the airport. Didn't back until 4pm here. Had dinner and stayed in their room until 8:30pm then walked back to my room.

Thursday:
Shopping day and walking around hatfield. Went to Asda, town centre, the galleria, and St Albans. Then they came back to my room so i could pack and they got to see my tiny room. lol.

Friday:
Early start. Went to Victoria Station then to Windsor Castle, Bath Spa, and Stonehenge. Then got the bus back to Hatfield around 8 45. Didn't get back to the room until 10pm.

Saturday:
London! Went to the British Museum, and walked around parts of London. ;) Mom got her first experience with the underground system and she didn't like it that much. lol. Got home kinda of late.

Sunday:
Late start. Did my laundry and all that fun stuff in the morning. Went to the Hatfield House and walked around there. Went to the galleria to have dinner.

Monday:
Cardiff. Early train ride to London kings cross then tube to paddington station. Then 2 hour train ride to Cardiff. Doctor Who Exhibit which was tiny and the millennium centre. :) Home LATE!

Tuesday:
LONDON! Buckingham Palace, Big Ben, House of Parliament, Eye of London, Westminister Abbey, and Horse Guard place. Then went shopping in Soho and Oxford. Spent 89 pounds on developing film and mom got me some awesome vans shoes! :D

Today:
Dropped mom and virg at the airport. D: They upgraded to business class so they got nice stuff. boo on them. Then came back to my room and been working on my laptop since then. wowie. I might read some of my book. I have been thinking about how i am going to pack up my stuff and i am scared. lol. I thinking about donating a lot to charity shops here. lol. Everything is clean and new. I am giving it away to friends as well.

Tomorrow:
Asda run, and post office. Expect postcards soon.

Friday:
London and photoshoot

Saturday:
nothing

Sunday:
Photoshoot

Monday:
going to the studio and hanging out with Kaz

Tuesday:
working on final stuff

Wednesday:
working for ian

Thursday to Saturday
DUBLIN!

Sunday nothing

Monday: turning in my paper and photoshoot.

:D

Almost done with school here. omg. then freedom! :D

Update

sorry, i haven't updated in here for awhile. it has been crazy since monday night when i went to scotland. lol

I will begin with Monday night.

Monday was quite strange. It was the day they were supposed to do the room inspection so i had to get out of my room around 10am but i didn't notice the sign on the door saying it was canceled. i could have slept in. So annoyed by that. But anyways, I went into the LRC and worked on my papers for my finals. finished those and went to ASDA to pick up some stuff that I forgot to get. I sat around my room until about 7 then walked to the bus stop to get the 797 to Victoria station. Bus ride took about a hour then got to the Coach station around 8 something. Read until 10pm when I went crazy because I was sitting so long. Talked to my mom then finally boarded the bus around 11 30ish. The bus left at 11:45pm. Yeah, so this drunk scottish man sat by me. talked for a bit then fall asleep. He then hit me during the night with his name while sleeping. then fall on me and was in the space so i had to push him. it was quite a horrible night. felt so gross by the end of it.

Was late when I arrived in Glasgow on Tuesday morning. It was snowing during parts of Scotland that we were passing through. It was all white. I was freaking out because I didn't bring warm warm clothes there. lmao. But it was not snowing in glasgow, oh i was so happy. Finally got off the bus and rush to the toilet. I didn't use the toilet on the bus. NASTY. Drunk man went in there and lots of other people. eewwww. After that i went to the hotel. It wasn't a far walk from the Bus Station to their hotel. I was happy when i got there. Finally could relax. Had breakfast at the buffet downstairs with Vicki and John. We meet up with Libbi at the concert hall which was right across the street from bus station, lol.

It was great seeing Libbi. She has grown up dude. I couldn't believe it when I saw her. She is a young woman. AHHH! So crazy!! I got to follow her around the convention and meet the other dancers from her school. I watched them practice later that night. It was great. We got to hang out after dinner that night. :)

Wednesday was her competition. She did good during her run but did not get recalled back for the third round. But she was wonderful. It was so great seeing her dance. We had fish and chips that night :) It was fun. Stayed at the venue all day.

Thursday woke up late and hang out at the concert hall. Watched them practice for a bit, and some other stuff i dont remember. lmao. We went to a pub late that night before I left. I left around 10pm to head to the bus stop which was two blocks from the pub. They overbooked the stupid bus so they had to get two more buses to come to transport everyone back to Victoria Coach Station. lmao.

The bus ride wasn't bad going home. I got back to London around 630am then tried to find my way around. it was confusing and i was so tired. I was going to take the bus at 724am back to hatfield but the never showed. I waited there until 9am. Then i took the underground to oxford street and picked up my film then took the train back to hatfield. got back to the train station in hatfield and stupid 603 never showed so i had to take another bus to the town center, got some food then walked home. i didn't get back until after 1pm. here. yeah. i was died. lol

I've been dead all weekend. Lazy and unmotivated. Saturday i went to st albans and rush out of my room. My room had my dirty clothes everywhere, stuff everywhere on my bed. Then when I got back here, my door didn't open for me. so i had to hunt down someone. lmao. i was glad i found a flatmate and they knew a RA. So, he came and found out my key was fine but it was my door. waited a hour to get back to my room. the dude who fixed it saw my nasty room. lmao. then after he left i went to do my wash. i left my coin bag in the laundry room and didn't realize it until i went down to dry my clothes. then when i was walking up the stairs i fall. lmao. flat on my face. Then my lovely friend came to pay a visit, lmao. yeah, not fun.

Yesterday, i stayed in my room all day. didn't get out of bed until 11 and then took a shower and sat in front of my computer watching Doctor Who and other shows. lmao. Yeah, awesome. LAZY me. but i did fix one of my papers :)

Now, it is monday, i'm still in my room but i did go out for a bit. I'm just still unmotivated. I just wish it was freaking wednesday already man!! i get to see my mom!!! :D

okay, well that is it. lmao. :D Probably more to update later when some else fails. lmao. :)

Oh yeah, hope everyone had a lovely Easter. :)


Love,
Marianna

got my 120mm color film back and it isn't that bad :D

look....



scans aren't that great but the prints look good. debating on blowing it up big but i don't know if your eyes go directly to the light. argh. :/ need to take some more this weekend. :)