so blah

Lately, I have not been feeling motivated or anything. I feel like all my photographs are shit again. It is so annoying. i take the photographs and I see the blur and pixel and pisses me off so badly. Then my 120mm film prints are SHIT and SCANS are shit too! I can't find anything photography related here to make things nice. I am getting so fed up with it. I know, I don't know. I just wish I could get the results i want but I can't right now. I just want to scream and never leave my bed ever again. ARGH.

I've been keeping myself locked in my room for unknown amounts of time. Trying to escape into tv shows. I don't want to deal with school over here. I just want to go back home and finish my freaking degrees then get my masters then TEACH! Then accomplished. :D I want to do night video with stop motion and video typing. I want to improve my writing skills and vocabulary. I want to do some much but I can expand here anymore. I learned everything I needed too. I know I need to trust in myself and explore things. I need to just go out in the dark and find that bloody light. I need to get external flash to help illuminate my photographs. I know what I need to do but I can't do it until I get home. ARGH!

Oh god, packing my room. it is going to be a nightmare. I have so much crap. I think three suitcases! ahh. I have to get them from the galleria soon and start packing up some souvenirs and some clothes that I don't wear a lot plus books and movies. I'm so utterly lost within it. I have a bag full of books to donate or give to someone. I have movies too. ah.

I just hate the feeling of being so lost...

The one thing that is TRULY pissing me off more than my photographs are my friends and family don't talk as much! TALK GOSH DARN YOU ALL!!! Everyone asks me questions about how everyone else is doing!!! Just talk to each. Yeah, we all grown up and went different ways but we are still the same dorks from high school and we are still the same family as before. It is so annoying.

I am just venting out all my frustration and don't take it personally if you are. This is the only thing I can do to vent and let everything out. I just want to scream. I wish I drank at times cause i think it would be simpler in my frustration department. lol. Just drink it all away but i don't. I'm the outcast here because I don't drink or smoke or go to parties. Yeah, not my thing. I'm artisty, movie loving, and hanging out with friends. I'm not a drunk, smoker, one night stand person. It is annoying.

All this is giving me a headache because I know people are going to read this and feel mad or get pissed off at me. Then all the shit will be falling down. ANNOYING! My new word is ANNOYING! You know what, I can't do anything about anything back home because i'm over 5300 miles away!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Oh another thing, I missed the ceremony for my honors for my dean scholar award! Yes, I am on the dean scholar list because I achieved over a 3.65 for more than three semesters in a ROW! YES! :D I missed it.. OH yeah, i'm missing Mr. Shannon's memorial. Even thoug I didn't know him, he helped a lot of my friends and was a mentor to most of them. He was a cool guy. Died to young. D:

I am constantly disappointed with people. I am too nice. I feel like a failure. I feel lost. I feel like this isn't going to end. I need the 42 days until I go home to go faster. I need not to feel. Gosh, i sound like a cheery person. I need facebook to work. I wish my photographs were better. I wish things would change. I wish I could do so many more things. I wish I had more friends here that I could hang out with. I wish I had a car so I could go driving. I really miss the beach. I miss the ocean. I miss the sun again. I miss my friends from last semester.

I is too much. I think of myself too much. I haven't been thinking about others. I need to think about other more. I shouldn't keep myself locked away but my motivation is gone.

This is my life right now. It should be getting better. 15 days until my dad and pat comes and I am completely done with school. 41 days until I am home. 34 more days until my concert. Counting down makes it easier.

Time to hit the store for a coke and maybe a sandwich. i need to get out of my room.

Love,
Marianna