not giving up

I am not giving up. Yet again disappointed at people but I guess it is life and I need to figure out a way not to feel as bad. I hate the feeling of utter disappointment. I am getting sick of it.

I am too far to help anyone back. I am trying to keep occupied and not think about what is happening back in California but it is always there. There is a heavy weight on my shoulders and heart. It is just slowly breaking. I am finding that school is becoming my worst enemy here. I am in a need to get out of here and travel and get some fresh air and be away from people.

I just need a break but it don't happen like always. I will find something else I have to get done. So horrible. I still have to email my tutor about my essay to make sure that I am going to be doing it right. I have a critique in two weeks. I am going to be helping Ian on next tuesday. I am trying to get photographs done. I am trying to figure out what the heck i am trying to get out this course. I need to find my voice but everywhere I look it is gone. I need to find a way to convey these thoughts to my tutors to know that I am actually thinking critically about my work and I am not a loser from California. I feel like that half the time. Yeah, my confidence hasn't grown at all. It is getting smaller and smaller as I take each new photograph. It isn't an extension of me but something I dear to hide from. The joy that once was there is slowly fading away and it is really depressing. I never knew how bloody emotional i am but i am and i hate it. I am not going to lose it over here. I am going to try to get into the right groove and finish this semester off with a higher grade than last semester. I need to succeed.

I am not giving up. I am going to crash this with my ability to succeed in my photography. To excel in my essay writing and research. To tell people what I think about your work. I have to be open to expressing my emotions and feelings to people and tell them to shut up. lmao. Yeah, I need to be rude and crude half the time. Don't worry I am changing but I think for the better. This experience is really showing me that I want to help people in what they do in photography rather than crash every little hope and feelings towards art. I want to help criticize their work but also give them the ADVICE AND HELP that they deserve, not just saying oh this can work and telling you want to do. Oh yeah, "find your voice, make it magical, unique". great way to be vague don't you think. It kill hurts me. but whatever. This is making me stronger and I am going to fight it and be confident in my work. The color and temperatures in the work see how magical yet scary England is. I could have done this at home which I am going to this summer. So you guys better get ready for late nights with after I get adjusted to the time change. lmao.

I think i vented enough for one day. I could keep on writing and exploding a bunch of crap on here. But I won't. I need to toughen up.

Hope you all have a great day.

Love,
Marianna